Happiness

Laying in my room with my defuser misting out the most amazing calming scent ever and thinking about this last year.  It's kind of exhausting thinking about it all but today I'm happy.

I'm really happy. Happier than I've been in a really long time. I'm going to write more tomorrow but for now I just want to tell everyone that I'm happy and that never would have happened without help from people who took time to love me!

Weak

I am weak. I envy people who can get up off the sofa alone. I envy those who don't fall down when they walk. I envy those who can go to the washroom without having their husbands get them up.
I envy those who don't get confused by time and food.
There have been so many times that I've asked myself why did this happen to me. The only answer I get is that I need it.
I really wish I didn't.  Maybe it'll help with all this envy. My dad gave me a blessing that I would withstand the rest of what was coming. I won't let my family down, but I envy that normal life. I'm so tired, and I'm so weak.

some news.

Well, I have good news and strange news. I think I'll save the strange for last.  So yesterday I go to the doctor and they weigh me and I said oh no! The nurse looked at me and said "what's wrong? Did you gain weight?" I said, "no! I lost 8 more pounds this week they're gonna make me come back to the hospital!"
Well, they didn't make me come back but they did arrange for my GI doctor to see me this week so we can figure out why I'm throwing up all the time.
The doctor gave me great news, they did a bone marrow biopsy last week and they results showed no sign of abnormal cells or my disease. Of course they have no idea if this is permanent so they want to do a low dose of a kinda chemo. It won't make me lose my hair (that really isn't growing back in too well) but it might cause nausea.
So I got new jeans today, grabbed a size 3 sizes smaller than what I bought a year ago. 2 sizes smaller than what I wore in January I looked at them and said these are too small there is no way they'll fit. And they not only fit... they're loose.
So, the strange news... as most of you know, my brother donated the stem cells for my bone marrow transplant so, I basically have his blood in my body.  All my own has probably died out or joined with his.  So, if you were to run my blood to learn about me I have xy chromosomes, I would appear like a man. But if you check skin, hair, anywhere else I'm  still xx.
Kinda creepy to think about. Lol am not half man?

OK, one last thing. I want to know what people do that always draws them closer to their father in heaven?

Alone

I've been thinking a lot about me getting sick.  I have so much love and support I'm surprised since I've done nothing to deserve it.  I'm never alone I always have help anytime I ask for it.  But I am alone too, no one could possibly understand what I felt or went through.
I remember laying in bed dreaming that there was someone else there and when I got sick or in pain I'd take turns with that other person feeling it.  Then I'd wake up and realize it's just me, I'm alone. No one else can do this for me I have to be stronger.  Now I don't think I picked up any extra personalities but I did realize one thing. Someone else does know what I felt. He knows when I'm worried, sad, afraid of dying, he knew everything I went through and probably did take turns with me feeling the pain.
I had my Palm read once and there is a break in my life line and my fate line. When I asked what that meant he said something big will happen to you that will change the way you live.  Maybe this is it. Maybe I will learn better to accept help and live worthy of help. Maybe I'll be able to pay it all forward and return a fraction of the love people have shown me. Most of all maybe I'll have a better relationship with my father in heaven.

oops

I promised a story so here is a funny one, (Although a bit gross too) just brush that off and laugh.
So the nurses told me a story of this poor girl who needed to go to the bathroom, so she grabbed her IV pole and pulled it in. Well, at the door there's a bump you have to pull the pole over. So she pulled and somehow the pole tilted enough that it fell over she tried to pick it up but being so weak from chemo and being sick she couldn't and in her panic she lost control over her bowels and bladder and lost everything onto the floor.
Now, any normal person would've stood there or walked slowly to the call button but this girl decided to run to the toilet just in case she could save some dignity and make some of it in the right place.  She slipped, that's right slipped and fell in her own mess. Luckily, she could reach the cord to call the nurse for help.
Now, as you might have guessed, that girl, was sadly, me and as I showered off the mess and embarrassment I actually laughed.
I think we have moments like that to remind us to laugh, even if we're sick and can't get off the floor by ourselves, laugh. It's healing.

"Humor reduces stress, fear, intimidation, embarrassment, and anger.  Laughter also has extraordinary healing power. When a person laughs, blood pressure decreases, heart rate and respiration increase, the body releases endorphins, and depression declines. After the laughter subsides and you relax again, that good feeling has a lasting effect, even until the next day. Not many medicines will do that."
~Gary K. Palmer

Coming Back

So, some have been wondering about me and thanks to my mom some know. I kinda feel like I fell off earth for awhile.  I've been sick. I have stories, some funny and I'll tell them too. But for now, I'm ok, I hope to get out of the hospital next week (pray for that) and I love you all.

up all night.

I just spent a night awake besides two cat naps. I'm not sure why I couldn't sleep but the nurse this morning said probably the steroids we give you with this chemo.  Also with this chemo they keep the water pumping and I pee every hour. But hey, I had nothing better to do last night.
I'm still bored most of the day and I'm ready too do my bathroom in private and be at home but I guess I gotta finish this work I started. Transplant minus 3 days!